Family Mediation
Direct Consultation with Children
Involving children and Young People in the process
It is possible for the children to feel included in a positive way with planning their future life with parents who are divorced.
Separation and divorce is a stressful process and can unfortunately have a lasting impact on the health and welfare of all those involved from the two parties divorcing, their children, extended family and friends.
Ongoing conflict can have a particularly negative effect on the children; resulting in regressive behaviour, withdrawal, anger (at one or both parents or just at anything) and a drop in the standard of their work at school. It can be very hard for the parents to relate to the children’s point of view, concerns and anxieties when they are locked in their own stresses. Children can often feel the marriage break-up is their fault, and feel a huge sense of responsibility for what is happening; their secure stable world falling apart. A useful booklet called “What most Children Say” is available from Kent Family Mediation.
The children may also find they have divided loyalties or feel they are being forced to choose between parents their love equally. Even if asked what they think and feel about the situation a child may not be able to express their true feelings, often because they do not wish to “upset” their parent. For example a child may really wish to see the parent who is not living at home but they know the parent they live with will be upset if they ask to see the other parent.
There can be additional emotional stress if one or more of the children supports and is loyal to one parent and the other child to the other parent. It is easy to imagine that the inter-family relationships could become very tense and have a ripple effect to involve members of the extended family and close friends of the children and the parents. Resulting not only in a thoroughly unhappy situation for all, but make the process of separation and divorce that bit harder to achieve in a balanced and reasonable way.
There are ways to help the children cope with and adjust to the new situation:
- Any parent would want to avoid un-necessary pain and anxiety for their children; who after all are not the cause of the breakdown of their parents relationship and should not be used (even sub-consciously) as a “weapon” to get at the other parent.
- Parents can commit themselves to avoiding drawing their children into their relationship breakdown. They can discuss a strategy for achieving this with members of the family including the children if they are old enough or a family mediator.
See Divorce and separation: The outcomes for children.
However, for even the most caring and intuitive parent it can be difficult to have good communications with their children during the sometimes protracted process of separation and divorce and this is when Direct Consultation with Children can be helpful. The direct consultation only takes place when both parents are already involved in mediating their divorce.
An experienced family mediator who has undergone further specialised training can with the permission of both parents have a confidential meeting with the children. This gives the children an opportunity to talk to someone who isn’t part of the family. Each child can be seen alone or with their siblings. At a later meeting the mediator will then feedback to the parents what information the children have agreed to.
The parents may then take into consideration what their children have said when planning for the future care and welfare of their children.
See Children’s and Parents’ experience of contact after divorce.
If you would like more information about the Direct Consultation with Children service provided by Shire Mediation please contact Jane Shire.
